Introducing sex toys into your relationship has the potential to increase intimacy, enhance pleasure, and unlock a world of new experiences. Yet, as much as we’d all like to talk about sex toys all the time, it can be awkward at first. Whether you are curious about them yourself or want to share toys with your partner, there can be some stigma around the first conversation about sex toys.
This post will guide you on how to approach your partner about bringing toys into your relationship. We will answer the questions of what to say, when to bring it up, and how to make it a comfortable conversation for you both. With the right approach, you can easily introduce toys to your partner and be on your way to more open communication and fulfilling intimacy.
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Why Talking about Sex Toys Can Feel Awkward (and Why That Is Okay)
Talking about toys can feel like a taboo subject for many people because we are not used to discussing sex, pleasure, and fun openly. We didn’t learn it as kids, and it can bring up deep feelings of vulnerability. You may feel hesitant to bring it up because you are worried your partner will feel turned off, uncomfortable, judged, or rejected. It is normal to feel a little apprehensive.
Your partner may not be expecting this conversation, so it is essential to frame it in the right way. They are not a request. You are opening a dialogue around exploration and mutual pleasure.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Using Sex Toys: 10 Steps
Step 1: Ask Yourself Why You Want Toys
Before you approach your partner about trying something new in bed, you should be clear on why and how you want to bring toys into your relationship. Ask yourself some questions first:
Why do you want to bring sex toys into your relationship?
Are you looking to increase closeness, try something new, or address a specific concern?
What type of toy are you considering? Solo or shared? Insertable or external? Anal or not?
Have you thought through the logistics and questions you may need to answer?
Are you ready to be transparent about your reasons and the types of toys you are interested in?
When you are sure of your boundaries and desires, it will be much easier to explain and discuss with your partner.
Step 2: Pick the Right Moment and Setting
Timing is crucial to starting the sex toy conversation on the right note. You do not want to spring it on your partner or casually mention it during sex or other intimate moments. Bringing toys up during a chore or while texting later in the day is also not ideal.
Try to find a lull when you are both feeling good, relaxed, and emotionally close. This way, they will be in the right headspace to receive the conversation. When you talk about adding toys, you do not want them to be distracted or on guard.
The best times to mention it would be after a good date night in, while cuddling in bed or on the couch, or after a lazy morning on the weekend with nowhere to rush off to.
Step 3: Phrase Things Playfully
The language you use to frame your conversation will set the tone. You want to avoid making it sound like a complaint or problem to be fixed. It is always better to make it an invitation to share something exciting, intimate, and taboo.
You can lead with questions rather than statements and be open about wanting to explore it together. This way, it is about mutual enjoyment rather than an imposition of your partner to meet your needs.
Try one of these lines to break the ice:
“I read an article the other day about how couples can have more fun with sex toys. What do you think of that?”
“Have you ever thought about trying something different in the bedroom? Maybe a sex toy or something that we could use together?”
“I came across this toy online that sounded really good. Would you mind checking it out with me?”
Approach it from a place of curiosity and openness.
Step 4: Reassure Your Partner
One problem that your partner may face when hearing about toys for the first time is insecurity or confusion. They may question whether they are not satisfying you enough in bed or if this toy is going to be used as a replacement. If this is something you think may come up, gently reassure them.
“I just think this might be something fun to try together, but I am really enjoying the sex we are already having.”
“This would not replace anything, but just be another thing that feels good.”
It is always important to show your partner that they are appreciated, included, and not a problem to be solved. Remember to use validating language.
Step 5: Share the Process
One reason to talk about toys early is that it can take your partner off guard if you buy something in secret and just bring it out. Avoid the element of surprise and invite them to be involved in the process. This could be as simple as perusing online together and browsing through the selection at a reputable sex toy retailer. Look at some reviews, compare options, or even share a laugh over some of the wackier items available.
In this way, browsing for toys becomes a normalized activity and not something to be sneaky about. It also gives your partner the opportunity to share their opinions and ask questions in a low-pressure way.
Step 6: Start Simple and Be Relaxed
Do not feel that you need to jump right into more complicated or intense toys. Keep things simple and non-threatening to start. A small, soft bullet vibrator can be good for beginners because it can be used on both external and internal areas. Some other easy options include:
A vibrating ring that can be worn during penetrative sex
A wand-style massager for general body use
A discreet finger vibrator
Ideally, the first toy you use should be small, soft, and easy to maneuver. The focus should be on shared pleasure and comfort rather than a solo, high-intensity session.rs often feels less intimidating than one designed for solo internal use.
Step 7: Use “We” Language
Try to put the focus of the conversation around toys on the benefits for both of you. Talk about it in terms of shared experiences and possible enjoyment. Avoid language that makes it sound like your goal is to just meet your own needs.
“I think this might be fun for both of us and really feel good.”
“It could be nice to try and see what we enjoy together.”
“Let’s give it a shot and see how it feels for each of us.”
Focus on keeping the interaction emotionally safe and open.
Step 8: Be Prepared for Questions or Doubts
It is likely that your partner will have a mixture of emotions when you first talk about trying something new in bed. They may be excited, open, and curious, but they may also have some questions or doubts. Be prepared to have a frank conversation with them about why you want to try toys and how you see them working in your sex life. You could use this opportunity to research and inform your partner about the following topics:
Body-safe materials used in toys like silicone and ABS plastic
Toy cleaning, storage, and hygiene best practices
General lubricant pairings with different toy materials
There is no need to assume that they know any of these things, so be ready to have an educational conversation about toys.
Step 9: Start Gradually and Experiment
Assuming your partner is open to your bringing sex toys into your relationship, the first time you use it should not be intense or full-on. Keep it light and relaxed, with a low pressure to perform or have immediate results. Try not to focus on it too much, but instead make it an optional addition to the experience.
It could be used externally while kissing, cuddling, or petting. Let one partner control the toy and the other watch or participate as they feel comfortable. Start at a low intensity and slow speed, then work your way up to see how it feels.
Always be playful and in-tune with your partner. Keep communicating and asking for feedback on what they are feeling. Consent and comfort should always be a priority.
Step 10: Debrief Afterward
After experimenting with a new toy, it is a good idea to discuss the experience afterward. Ask your partner what they enjoyed or did not and what they may want to try next time. This will help to continue keeping the lines of communication open.
You might say:
“That was fun. Was there anything you especially liked or did not like about that?”
“I was glad we tried it. I would love to know what you enjoyed the most.”
Use it as an opportunity for mutual reflection rather than performance evaluation.
How to Tell Your Partner You Want Sex Toys: 3 Ways
Have you been dying to talk about toys but have no idea how? Try the three steps below to figure out what to say.
Talk about it the moment it crosses your mind: You can be blunt, straightforward, and honest with your partner. Just casually bring it up the next time you think about it. You could say:
“I was thinking about toys, and I have some ideas I’d like to share with you.”
“I read an article about how couples can spice things up with toys and thought of you.”
“Have you ever thought about trying a toy? I keep hearing how much fun they are.”
Use toys as a fun reward for a goal or task: You can use toys as motivation for you and your partner to work on a goal or finish a task. In this way, you set the scene for when you will talk about toys, so it is an exciting incentive.
“Did you finish the report today?”
“Yes, it is done, and now I can’t wait to show you this toy I came across.”
Ask for your partner’s permission to try something new: Another way to get your partner on board is to get their permission and consent to discuss and try toys.
“Is it okay if I share an idea with you?”
“Yes, of course. I am all ears.”
It is a direct way to let them know that you would like to talk about it.
Introducing Sex Toys: Frequently Asked Questions
How can I introduce sex toys to my partner without pressure?
Start by reassuring your partner that you enjoy the sex you are already having and that a sex toy can just be another thing to explore together. Try keeping the atmosphere low-pressure and playful. Experiment slowly and gradually and keep it as an optional extra. Always focus on consent and comfort.
How can I let my partner know I like using sex toys?
You could be direct and honest with your partner and tell them you enjoy using toys. Say something like “I really enjoy using toys,” or “I like having a sex toy on hand when I’m feeling good.” Sharing it with them can lead to more open communication and exploring together.
How do you tell your partner you want them to use a sex toy?
You can say things like “We could try that toy together,” or “Would you be open to trying this with me?” Again, the more direct and honest you are, the more open your partner will likely be.
Should you bring up sex toys to your partner?
You should absolutely be able to bring up sex toys in your relationship. You have the right to be open and honest with your partner about your desires and needs. Try to do so in a respectful and considerate way. If your partner is a good one, they will also be open to the conversation.
The Bottom Line on Talking about Sex Toys
As you can see, there is nothing that should make you afraid to bring the topic of sex toys up with your partner. As long as you do so in the right way, it will be received as an invitation to mutual exploration rather than a challenge or rebuke.
Talk to your partner honestly, with openness and curiosity, and without pressure or judgment. Take it slow, stay playful, and do not forget the essential things in your relationship: connection, communication, consent, and trust. These are the things that will allow you to bring toys into the bedroom and discover the true pleasure of sex toys.
